


A Thousand Tiny Moments

by capitalnineteen



Series: All the Time in the Worlds [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Cause Lup swears a lot, Cause this is the Starblaster and The Stolen Century, F/M, So it doesn't stick, Temporary Character Death, mature language I guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-15 19:32:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14796594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capitalnineteen/pseuds/capitalnineteen
Summary: When Lup meets a man at a party, she doesn't expect... anything that happens. Slight AU that then proceeds and fits directly into canon. (Essentially this is the "What if Lup met Barry before they were assigned to the Starblaster and things didn't go so well" AU.)





	A Thousand Tiny Moments

_Taako’s fucking heels_ , Lup thinks. _By Mylana’s Four Hounds, I’d burn the fuckers if I didn’t know he’d throw a complete hissy._

She knows she never should have worn them. Taako can spend the whole day in them and never whine. Well, not in relation to the shoes anyway. But Lup prefers boots. Sometimes the boots even have heels! But none of her boots matched the dress Taako loaned her. The dress fits the occasion. So… here she is: dressed in Taako’s most appropriate - which who even knew was a category of clothing he owned? - and crashing the Founder’s Dinner.

Lup smooths down the name tag affixed to her dress. It keeps peeling up at the edge which happens when you snag it off a misplaced coat and try to restick it to a dress because you weren’t exactly invited to this event. Not that Lup would do that. Or rather, not that _Carol Flesk_ would do that.

She helps herself to a drink as a waiter passes, knocking back the liquid and replacing the empty glass before he is out of reach. She’ll need about seven more of those if she’s going to survive this stupid party in these stupid shoes.

She isn’t even sure why she’s here. Okay, she’s here because Taako has dared her but she doesn’t get why he’s decided crashing this boring-ass party is a good dare. He’s not even here to see how miserable she is or to make up ridiculous goals for her to accomplish. She’s just supposed to spend the whole evening here or as he put it, “however long it takes you to get bored and do something dumb enough to get thrown out.”

It has been ten minutes and she’s already so bored she’s ready to set fire to the podium where the first speaker is being introduced. Only the thought of Taako’s smug face if she’s escorted back to their IPRE dorm is enough to keep her from doing it. This might be his most devious dare yet.

 _Fuck. The speaker said something about the selection committee. Dammit. What had he said?_ She’d been focused on finding another drink tray making the rounds. Are there selection committee members here? Fuck. Now she might _have_ to behave. She and Taako have been shortlisted for the program but if she pulls a scene in front of a selection committee member they’ll get the boot, not Carol Flesk.

Two drinks later Lup is still managing to behave herself. She has only caught one centerpiece on fire and as far as anyone else could tell it was just entirely too close to that candle. Only one person even looks at her afterwards, a guy in a blue suit with brown, receding hair and thick black glasses. He dumps his water glass on the flaming roses and then looks right at her even though she is nowhere near the table.

 _It’s just a coincidence. He just happened to look at me, that was all,_ she thinks.

He takes off his glasses, cleans them with his napkin, and kind of… laughs? He’s looking down at the table, though, so maybe the guy thinks dirty glasses are hilarious. Or maybe tablecloths are the epitome of humor to him. Who knows with this crowd?

Half an hour later she has three more drinks in her and a purse full of shrimp. She doesn’t even _like_ shrimp but it seems to be the thing everyone else here is most interested in so she’s been surreptitiously stuffing them in her purse at every chance. It’s Taako’s purse anyway. He deserves a bag full of stinky sea vermin for making her endure this evening.

Now Mr. Blue Suit is talking to the waiter. He doesn’t even take any food, just talks to the guy and walks off. Probably thinks that’s high comedy as well. ‘ _Oh, ho, I’ll clean my glasses and then talk to the waiter! What a riveting evening!’_ She’s probably made his whole year with that fire in the flowers. Ugh. She needs another drink.

The next waiter to circle around to her area isn’t carrying drinks. _Of course,_ she thinks, _he has more of the disgusting shrimp. Too bad the purse is already full. The dress has pockets but that increases the chance someone will think it’s me they’re smelling. I don’t want to be known as the-girl-who-smells-like-shrimp. The purse has a latch at least. It’s not a smell proof latch but pockets…_ her inner monologue is interrupted as the waiter hands her a large napkin full of shrimp.

“I was instructed to give you this,” he says bizarrely. He walks away, leaving her holding an enormous fabric wrapped bundle of horrible, horrible shrimp. _What the fuck?_

She looks slowly around the room. The Blue Suit guy isn’t paying any attention to her. It has to be him, though. Who else has even noticed her? Is this his idea of a joke? She stomps over to him and pokes his shoulder. “What the hell, dude?” she says as soon as he turns, barely managing to keep her voice to a reasonable level. “Did you send that guy over with _shrimp_?”

He blinks at her. “Um,” he says, raking one hand through his hair. “I just…Uh. I…”

That’s as much an admission of guilt as she needs. She thrusts the vile gift at him. “I don’t know where you got your sense of humor but I hope you kept the receipt, chucklefuck, cause it’s non operational.”

He clutches the napkin awkwardly. “I…”

“Yeah, I got that much. You. Good job sentencing. Maybe you could get a refund on communication as well.” She turns on her heel - on Taako’s heel, technically - and stalks away, bee lining for a waitress carrying glasses of something she hopes is fucking potent.

She stops directly in front of the waitress who takes one look at her and presents the tray for Lup to claim her treasure. Lup grabs a glass in each hand. The woman glances around then picks up another glass and pours it into the two Lup holds, neatly dividing the drink without spilling a drop. “May the light of Corvella’s moons shine on you always,” Lup offers. She raises the glass and nods her thanks before taking a deep drink.

“They’re not very strong and you seem like you need it,” the woman says with a wink before heading off into the crowd.

It’s true. The drinks aren’t potent but Lup hopes three of them will do the trick _._ She studies the room, trying to decide if the crowd has thinned out. The speakers have all had their turns, what else could be left? These people really aren’t wild partiers by any definition. _Oh fuck,_ she thinks, _what if they haven’t even gotten going yet?_ She doesn’t miss much about her and Taako’s time on the road but at least you knew when a party was over. Usually because someone was stabbed. Or because someone yelled, “Okay, everyone out! Party’s over!” It really clarified things.

“Um, excuse me?” a gravelly voice behind her says. Lup whirls and if her hands had been empty she’d have likely blown up the owner of the voice before she even got a good look at who it belonged to. She doesn’t like being snuck up on.

It’s Blue Suit. Well, she feels less awkward about the near firebombing now. And about the liquid she’s slung on him by moving so quickly.

“Grysok’s horns! You made me spill my drink,” she says, looking at the dripping glasses in her hands.

“Drinks,” he corrects.

“ _Excuse_ me?” she says in disbelief. _What kind of complete dipshit is this guy?_ she thinks. _Okay, sure, yeah, there’s two drinks but you don’t fucking point that out. Rude._

“I, uh…”

“Okay, look, if you came over to give me another witty round of ‘um, I…’ then let’s skip on up to the end, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” he says, looking completely contrite. “I just… I came over to apologize. I’m… Look, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you.” He adjusts his glasses and softly adds a final, “Sorry.”

Now she feels bad. How dare this rude, no humor nerd give her a sincere and humble apology? He’s deflated her righteous … wait, why was she angry? She’s at a loss for a moment. The guy is actually kinda cute in a rumpled, academic sort of way. Oh, yeah, the shrimp. There, now she’s mad again.

“Okay, you apologized. Can you…” she starts at the same time he speaks.

“Can I…” he stops. “You first. I didn’t mean to…”

Lup takes a deep breath and reminds herself that it would _not_ help the situation if she set fire to his suit. It wasn’t the suit’s fault. The suit was… kind of decent. She’d been about to ask him to go away but maybe she should play nice with the poor boy. It won’t kill her. Probably.

“Why did you send the waiter to bring me a giant pile of shrimp?” she asks, making her tone as neutral as possible.

“You were hungry… I thought? You were grabbing them every chance you got, so I…” he stops, looking bewildered.

Oh. Well now she really does feel bad about almost crisping him. He thought she liked the shrimp and … well, okay that was pretty insulting. Still, he’d been trying to make sure she had plenty to eat. She couldn’t fault a guy for that kind of intention. Even if it did involve crustaceans of dubious edibility. Besides, to the casual observer she _had_ been helping herself to them quite enthusiastically. She’d brought it on herself. It wasn’t like she could explain what she’d been doing.

“I don’t like shrimp,” she hears herself say. “I was just stealing them.”

“Oh, um, okay.” He blinks at her.

 _Fuck. Why did I tell him that?_ she wonders. _It sounds pretty stupid when I say it out loud. Maybe my sense of humor is the non operational one. Oh hells, do I need to reevaluate the comedic value of tablecloths?_

She drains what didn’t splash out of the glass in her left hand and gives it to Blue Suit. “Make yourself useful,” she instructs.

He takes the glass and holds it politely. “Would you like more?” he offers. When she narrows her eyes at him suspiciously he holds up the empty glass and waggles it for emphasis. “To drink, I mean?”

Well, the guy knows how to get on her good side. But maybe she’s had enough to drink. Especially since she’s certainly not been eating. She finishes the drink she’s holding and says “I think I’m good.”

“Oh,” he answers. His shoulders slump. “Well, I’ll just… I’ll get out of your hair,” he finishes. “Can I take your glass for you?”

Instead, Lup takes the empty glass he’s holding. “How about I get _you_ a drink?” she offers. The drinks haven’t made the shoes less painful but they must have made her more amenable to slightly rumpled guys in blue suits trying to ply her with awful shellfish.

“Oh!” he says, his face brightening. “Um, sure,” he agrees. And then he smiles. It’s a shy, genuine thing that transforms his face into something truly noteworthy.

Feeling a little dazzled, she turns and scans the room once again for anyone carrying a tray of alcohol. _The drinks must finally be catching up,_ she decides.

She spies someone balancing a load of fresh drinks and makes her way through the crowd. When she reaches her target it’s the woman who gave her the last drinks. “Can I?” Lup asks. The waitress raises an eyebrow but presents the tray again, holding it steady with her free hand.

“This isn’t for me,” Lup feels the need to explain. She places her two empty glasses on the offered tray and takes a fresh one for Blue Suit.

The woman simply smiles and says “Mmmhmm,” which somehow infuriates Lup. She wordlessly takes back the blessing she offered earlier. _She doesn’t deserve the kindness of a deity I just made up,_ Lup thinks.

Blue Suit is waiting where she left him. She offers him the drink and he accepts it, taking a polite sip. He coughs and turns a bright red. As soon as he catches his breath he dumps the rest of the drink into his mouth and swallows, his eyes squeezed shut and mouth in a grimace. He coughs again but recovers faster now that he’s prepared. “Thanks,” he says, still sounding half-strangled. His blush extends right up to the receding roots of his hair.

Lup smiles despite herself. “Would you like to get out of here?” she asks, surprising both of them.

He manages to turn even redder and nods, “I… yes,” he manages, “Yes.”

She grabs his hand and he threads his fingers between hers. He falls naturally into step with her as she leads them to the elevator. She presses the button to summon the lift and they stand together silently. As the seconds pass, the waiting begins to feel impossibly intimate. She lets go of his hand for the pretense of shifting her purse to the other shoulder. She’s trapped between doubt over her impulse and the strange certainty that lead to it. Doubt has just begun to win when the doors open. She steps forward and as she does, her heel - Taako’s heel - catches on something and pitches her forward. Instantly Blue Suit grabs her arm and steadies her, stepping forward into the elevator with her to keep her from falling.

Lup turns toward him as the elevator doors close. He’s a good bit shorter than her in her - Taako’s - heels. In bare feet she’d still be a few inches taller. He looks at up at her, brown eyes so very earnest and concerned behind his glasses.

She drifts closer to him and slowly, so slowly, she bends her head to his. She pauses inches away, not yet touching but so close they share breath. Her hand slides along the lapel of his jacket and she feels his chest rise as he breathes in.

She looks at his mouth and thinks _this is the last moment before I kiss him_. It’s as inevitable as his chest falling beneath her hand as he exhales. So she kisses him. His lips are warm and soft against hers with the rich sting of alcohol painted on both their mouths.

His hand tighten on her arm as he returns her kiss. Her fingers trace the edge of his lapel then clutch at the material of his shirt as they both press closer together. His left hand skates loosely over her hip to her waist then fits against the small of her back, pulling her tighter. Her free hand moves along his shoulder then up his neck where her fingers wind roughly into his hair. The elevator stirs to life and begins to descend. The movement of the tiny room surprises them and they both pull back slightly, each looking a little dazed.

“I…” Lup begins. “I, um…”

“That was nice,” he says at the same time. That shy, pleased smile returns to his face. His hand slips from her arm, fingers grazing her skin as his hand travels up to wrap around hers and press her hand firmly to his chest.

The doors open again and they step guiltily apart as two men enter. Lup and Blue Suit turn away from each other but he keeps hold of her hand. One of the two men, a half elf with short, coal black hair, looks at her and laughs as he spots her name tag. “Carol?” he says with an accusing look.

He looks over at Blue Suit then moves to the far side of the elevator and whispers into his friend’s ear. He’s very quiet but her elven hearing catches every word. “Trying to fuck her way through the committee, I guess. Probably how she and that brother of hers got this far.”

The pair laugh and the other responds, “I bet he gets both of them for that deal.” The second man’s comment isn’t as quiet. This asshole doesn’t care if she hears it. He is a tiefling with black curling horns. He cuts a look at her over his shoulder and the malice in his golden eyes is unmistakable.

Lup curls her fingers, her power gathering into heat. She drops Blue Suit’s hand before she burns him. These assholes have been dogging her and Taako since they got here. She should have set fire to their nether regions weeks ago. She’s trying to figure out a way to blame double spontaneous underwear fire on an errant candle when the word “committee” echoes in her head.

 _Oh…,_ she thinks. _No. Oh no. Is Blue Suit on the selection committee? Did I just…? Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck._ The heat disappears from her hand, leaving her cold.

The elevator doors part again, opening onto the parking level. The half elf and tiefling get out with a last accusing look at her. She is _so_ going to fry something these fuckers care about but it’s going to have to wait. The elevator doors close again and Lup steps further away from Blue Suit to jab the button for the lobby.

“Sorry,” she says, staring straight ahead at the door, her posture stiff. “Just remembered, I uh, I need to go meet someone,” she finishes lamely. It’s such an awkward, terrible lie.

“Your brother?” he asks.

She whirls on him, “What do you know about _my brother_?”

“Nothing,” he answers, eyes wide and shocked. “I’ve just seen you two around the… What’s wrong?”

“Oh, absolutely _nothing_ ,” she says through clenched teeth. “Everything is just peachy keen.” _They were right_ , is all she can think. _Those assholes knew what was up before I did._

The doors open and she’s out before he can respond. She’s going to fucking kill Taako for sending her to this party. She’s going to kill those assholes. She’s going to kill… someone. She’s furious.

She stalks back to the dorm room. She’s not sure who she’s more angry with: Taako, the assholes from the elevator, Blue Suit, or herself.

Taako isn’t in their room so she tosses his dress, purse, and shoes into his closet with a vehemence the garments don’t deserve. She throws on the first clean clothes she finds suitable for sleeping and slides into bed. She’s so angry her teeth are grinding, her muscles tight. It only makes her angrier that she isn’t clear why.

She forces herself through a set of centering exercises. They are the first things children learn when training magic and she needs the calming effect of these rudimentary lessons. When she feels more in control, she focuses on dancing a flame between her hands, first slowly then faster. When that becomes boring she makes it swirl in patterns. The centering routines, the shimmering fire, and the small drain of magic calms her. Had she really been about to sleep with some suit whose name she didn’t even know? Distressingly, she thinks the answer is yes. She’s never done something like this with so little consideration for the ramifications.

 _It’s this fucking place_ , she thinks. The weeks here at the Institute have been so different from anything before in their lives. They’ve been stuck here for months now. Even in school she and Taako were always bouncing around between places to crash and whatever odd jobs they could find. Here they just wait. And they have more solo time than either of them are used to. It’s probably good for them but it’s also…

She sighs. She is used to being half of some kind of magic and cooking twin-amalgamation. Sometimes it seems like Taako is the clearer half of their duo and that alone, she is a shadow waiting for the return of the sun. Blue Suit had seemed like something that was just hers, someone who didn’t see her as half of a whole but just as herself.

Is that why she’d been about to go off with him? Or was she just bored enough that an easily embarrassed shrimp sender had caught her eye. Only, he didn’t catch her eye, she caught his. He’d _noticed_ her. Somehow he had known she’d been responsible for the fire in the flowers and he hadn’t ratted her out. He’d said he’d noticed her before, too. She couldn’t remember being anywhere that the lawyers or the accountants or wherever those fuddy duddies from the party spent their days.

Only… once she’d stopped being preemptively angry, he hadn’t seemed like a fuddy duddy. He’d seemed… nice. A rumpled kind of cute. A bit of a nerd but definitely a good kisser.

Lup cancels her flame and runs her fingertips over her lips. It had been a very nice kiss.

Well. If he was on the selection committee and he had recognized her around… he probably thought he could use that. And then _she’d_ asked _him_. She’d pretty much confirmed whatever he’d assumed.

Fuck.

This wasn’t her style at all. She had now spent more time thinking about this nameless guy and wondering about her own behavior than she had on every past guy she’d ever been involved with. _It’s this place_ , she thinks again. She’s ready for it to be over so they can move on to whatever is next. She’s hates being in one place so long but she can’t disappoint Taako. If it doesn’t bother him then she won’t let it bother her.

She summons her flame again and concentrates on twisting it between her fingers, first one hand then the other. The light is so bright. She closes her eyes and dances the flame by instinct and will without looking, feeling the heat travel over the skin of her fingers.

She hears a noise in the hall and extinguishes the flame. Taako enters the room in his usual cloud of chaos and noise. He closes the door and moves into the darkened room. She could resummon her flame but they can both see well enough in the dark.

“Lup?” he asks softly.

“Hey, Koko,” she answers.

There’s a shuffle and thump as he moves through the dark room, kicks off his shoes, and climbs into bed with her. He curls beside her and wedges his head against her shoulder.

“You okay?” she asks him, voice low and gentle.

“Do we belong here, Lup?” he asks.

“More than anyone,” she answers, wrapping one arm around him.

“Mmm..,” he responds tonelessly. After a moment he adds, “But do you think…? Eh. Never mind.”

“What?” she prompts.

Minutes pass and the only sound is their breathing, twin sounds in the darkness that naturally fall into sync with one another. She has just decided he’s asleep when he speaks again.

“How fast did you get thrown out?” he asks.

“I didn’t,” Lup tells him.

“Really?” Taako answers. “Hmm.”

“Yeah,” she confirms. “Okay there was one minor fire but it could have been a candle. No one asked _or_ insisted I leave so I think that means it’s my dare again.” She pokes him in the ribs to emphasize her point. She laughs, remembering. “You may want to throw out your purse, though.”

Taako grunts and repositions himself. “Scoot over, wouldja?” he whines.

“You have a whole bed over there you know,” Lup reminds him but she moves over to give him room.

“I’m glad you’re here, Lulu,” he says softly as he tugs the blanket over himself.

“Where else would I be?” she answers.

They fall asleep tucked protectively together as they have so many times in their lives; each other’s only constant.

 

 

 

Weeks pass and more hopefuls are sent home. Those in charge haven’t exactly explained what they are looking for in this team they are planning. She and Taako only see people in their own division for magical proficiencies. They assume there are other divisions - perhaps military or research? It’s all guess work. Every day they are given new tests, new scenarios, quizzes on hypotheticals that make no sense.

The most interesting of these are when they are brought to work in a large hanger near an enormous rotating silver ring. Neither she nor Taako are given any information about its purpose or the metrics they are testing. During these brief experiences they are asked to go through a series of standard spells while observers chart whatever they are observing. Another time they are simply asked to sit and talk with one another while different observers examine data streaming across huge screens. They must see something interesting because they all seem surprised by what they’ve measured. As with so many other things in this experience, it’s hard to know if it effects their chances for the better or worse.

Taako likes to say that this is just a more prestigious version of what they did for so long: traveling and making themselves useful with their skills. The prospect of the mission is fine but if it were just her she’d have left ages ago. She wants to be able to cut and run, not wait around for others to pass judgement. Taako, though, wants to prove himself. She just doesn’t understand _what_ he wants to prove. He knows his skills are impressive. What would being assigned to this mission prove that he doesn’t already know?

When the committee announces the teams, both twins’ names are included. She isn’t sure who is more surprised: Taako that they are selected or herself that he’s surprised. She’s just anxious to _go_ already.

They meet the rest of the team just a few weeks before they are to leave. It seems unusual to her though this whole expedition is anything but usual. But wouldn’t they want to see how everyone worked together? Didn’t they need to make sure there weren’t impossible personality clashes that could jeopardize the mission? But for all she knows they’ve been testing for that all along.

They will be given a short break to get to know one another and then they’ll be shown their ship. Taako is nervous though no one else would be able to tell. “Hey,” she points out. “They’re the ones who need to be worried. We’ve already got each other.”

They enter the meeting room and her attention is focused on Taako. They’ll only be traveling with these people for a few months. He’s her whole life.

Their Captain, a gnome named Davenport, introduces himself to them and welcomes them to his crew. He gestures out the glass wall at the rear of the room and in a voice full of pride tells them “And out there you can see what I consider to be the eighth member of our team: the Starblaster.”

“We’ll head out to the ship in a few minutes. Go ahead and meet the rest of the crew,” he instructs with a nod before walking away.

As Lup looks around the room she’s horrified to see a familiar face.

“Fuck,” she mumbles to herself. “Blue Suit.” _Mother of Zykona, are you fucking kidding me?_ she thinks.

Her voice is low but of course Taako can hear her just fine. He turns to see who she’s looking at. “Blue suit?” he asks. “More like blue _jeans_. Lulu, even _you_ are dressed better,” he whispers. “That man-shaped wall over there is dressed better and his shirt has no sleeves! Bluejeans over there looks like he slept in that outfit!” Taako narrows his eyes and adds, “Except he doesn’t exactly look like he’s slept much recently.”

Lup counts the people in the room. Seven. There are seven on the crew. So Blue Suit is one of the fucking crew. How is this possible? Which also means he was not on the selection committee. Fuck. So she could have… _Okay, but still good that we didn’t,_ she reminds herself.

And now Taako is walking directly to him. Of fucking course.

“Yo, ‘Bluejeans’,” he says, “What’s your specialty?”

Blue Suit, who as Taako has pointed out is _not_ wearing a suit but bluejeans and a plain and rather wrinkled white button up shirt, glances around briefly to confirm he is the one being addressed. “Um, I’m the, uh, the science expert,” he answers, “and my name is…”

Taako interrupts to introduce himself. “I’m _Taako_ ,” he says, as if this should already be obvious. “My almost equally attractive sister is,” at this he turns to see Lup is not beside him as he expected but still several steps behind where he’d left her. “Lup!” he calls, “get over here and meet Bluejeans.”

“Um, nice to meet you Taako,” he says politely. “Uh, my name, though, it’s not ‘Bluejeans,’” the man tries to explain.

Taako glances back at the man, “Oh, yeah, okay, sure” Taako says and stops to check the paper they had each been given. “Science expert _Barry_ ,” he intones carefully. Then he laughs, “Barry Bluejeans! I love it!”

“What?” the man says and pulls his own wrinkled paper from his pocket. “No, no, they made a mistake… Or it’s the printing, maybe? It looks like a ‘B’ but it should have been…”

“Lup!” Taako calls again and she forces herself to move forward. As she steps closer two other members of the crew join and Taako takes over introductions.

“I’m _Taako_ ,” he once again points out as if admitting a poorly kept secret, “and this is Lup,” he says gesturing towards her. “And this is our new friend Barry Bluejeans.”

Blue Suit tries to deny it but his protestation is missed as the person Taako had called a ‘man-shaped wall’ puts his hand out and identifies himself as Magnus Burnsides.

“Burnsides with the sideburns,” Taako says with a smile. “If we’re all going to be so overt maybe I should just introduce myself as ‘Taako from TV’ and hope that catches on, right?”

The dwarf who approached with Magnus introduces himself, “Well, I suppose it’s fitting that I’ll be the religions arm of this thing, then,” he offers with a flourish of his hand, “I’m Merle Highchurch, officially the physician and biologist.”

The captain brings the final member of their crew over and introduces her. “Lucretia here will be serving as chronicler on our mission,” he explains.

They all mumble polite greetings and Lup concentrates on not meeting the look she can feel directed at her from the science officer.

Captain Davenport leads them out to tour the ship that will be their home during the mission. Taako falls in between Magnus and Merle where Lup hears them discussing their choices on the robe versus jacket uniform options.

Davenport seems to have taken Lucretia under his wing at the front of their little group, leaving Barry and Lup pulling up the rear.

“So,” he says, falling into step with her. “Your name’s… Lup?” he continues warily, “Not Carol?”

“Yes, Blue…jeans. My name is Lup,” she answers, bristling.

“You do realize my name isn’t Bluejeans, right?” he asks. “I mean, I don’t even get…”

Lup stops and turns to him to pointedly look at his pants before she continues walking.

“Okay, yes, I’m wearing bluejeans but I don’t see anyone calling Magnus ’No Sleeves’ or calling Lucretia ‘Severely Tailored Linen’ or whatever,” he observes.

“That'd be a mouthful, wouldn’t it?” she asks, deliberately missing his point.

“Did I, um,” Bluejeans starts, “Did I do something to make you angry?”

Lup sighs. “Look, uh,” she goes silent, considering. When she continues her voice is sharp and cold. She spits each word out like a dagger, “Look, _Barold_. This whole process has been an ordeal. So I’m not at my most charming. And now we have to work together,” Lup stops walking and looks at him. He instantly stops to wait for her to continue. “So some things _didn’t happen_ , if you catch my meaning.”

He takes off his glasses and rubs them on the tail of his shirt. No wonder it’s so wrinkled. He looks at her and his expression startles her. It’s not a look of anger or frustration which she might have expected. Those are typical responses that she is more than accustomed to. The look on his face, though? _Pella’s Mercy, he just looks so fucking sad_ , she thinks with a wince.

He looks down at his glasses in his hands and he nods, a tiny movement that seems more for himself than for her. “Understood,” he says. He replaces his glasses and moves to follow the others who have already boarded the ship. He adds without turning, “It was nice to meet you, Lup.”

 _I should be relieved,_ Lup tells herself. _Why is that not at all how I feel?_

 

 

 

The last weeks before the mission pass quickly but not quickly enough for Lup. She’s anxious to be _moving_ , to be _gone_. She’s glad they stuck this out - after the mission is over they will be able to write their own ticket when they return. But she is over being in one place.

Then they launch. And everything changes.

From the deck of their new home they see their entire world _devoured_. In Davenport’s hands, the ship moves like a creature possessed, twisting and twitching between black pillars flickering with bright colors, slamming down to eradicate everything they touch. As the crew watches from the deck, Magnus is _howling_ that they have to go back, they have to _help._ Merle is beside their security officer, trying to comfort him. Taako and Lup stand wordlessly at the railing, hands clutching each other in disbelief. As their home is consumed all of them struggle to understand: there is nothing left to return to.

As they pass the bounds of the material plane they are frozen and split apart into thousands of strands of brilliant light. Then, after an impossible eternity in which infinity stretches out in all directions, they are remade. Thousands of possible Lups and Taakos and Merles and Magnuses and Lucretias and Davenports and Barrys that had spun out collapse again into themselves, tied back into place by those shimmering white threads.

As soon as they are clear of that boundary, Davenport attempts to return. But whatever let them pass the edge of their planar system has once again closed. For now, at least, there is no turning back.

When the ship touches down, they are shellshocked and silent. None of this is what they prepared for.

The sight that greets them is unthinkably alien. In this world, all manner of animals are working harmoniously together. It’s so fantastical that Lup wonders if they did not survive their flight. _We were pulled apart as we left the material plane_ , she thinks. _We’re dead and this is… this is just the last gasp of neurons firing._ She tightens her grip on Taako’s hand. _Well, whatever this is they get us the way we came in: packaged deal._

They are not dead but everything is brand new. That first cycle is so much to understand. She and Taako spend much of their time learning the animal language from a family of mongooses. They eat, they sleep, they learn, they work, and every day becomes slightly less strange.

As their first year concludes a terrible thing happens. The unnatural black stillness that descended the last day before their left their home finds them once again. This time they recognize it and try to warn the inhabitants of this world.

But with no real way to fight something so all encompassing, they are forced to flee. They run for the ship. Lucretia is hit by something black and incomprehensibly shaped. Barry catches her, pulls the chronicler forward as Lup and Taako fire off spells to cover their escape. Only six of them board.

Lucretia sits slumped and holding her side. “Where’s Magnus?” she whispers through her pain. “We have to get Magnus.”

Lup shakes her head. Magnus spent his last moments defending the animals he’d befriended. But that force is unstoppable. It devoured everything. Again.

Magnus is gone.

The ship takes the remaining six of them up, away. The boundary is loosened again somehow and they pass through, out of this material plane. Once again they are each frozen and fractured. Then time restarts and they are whole again. Lucretia is uninjured. And there are seven of them. Magnus is restored.

As the ship flies above a new material plane, Lup finds relieved tears falling from her eyes. She hugs Magnus tightly. They all do.

 

 

 

After that, things are different. To say Lup forces herself to change would be unfair. Lup _allows_ herself to change. It’s a slow process. She and Taako have spent their whole lives looking out for each other to the complete exclusion of anyone else. But this crew, this _family_ all have each other’s backs. Seeing how they care for Taako is enough to endear them to her, but more than that, in their care and regard Taako _blossoms._ He shines brighter and stronger and in that alone Lup finds herself caring for this strange family more than she would have thought possible.

Since the beginning, Lup had been prepared to do her job, prepared to work and learn and help keep the crew safe. But now? The stakes have risen so much. And they have all risen to meet the challenges.

For Lup, working and learning have never been a problem. But caring for more than her brother? She’s surprised to find not only can she do it, she’s good at it. She _enjoys_ it.

She notices when Magnus feels he isn’t doing enough and she asks him to help her train. She works out with him until his good humor returns. When Davenport falls into his pattern of withdrawal, when he tries to separate himself into being the Captain who should protect them, she spends time on the deck talking with him. His love and respect for his crew is only matched with his love and respect for their ship. Listening to him speak of the Starblaster feeds her in a way she’d never realized she was starving.

As their Captain loves their ship, Merle loves green and growing things. She learns more from him about plants than she could have guessed possible. Whenever she sees some new vine or flower she gathers a sample when it is safe or tries to sketch the leaves or petals to share with him.

The mission journals prepared for Lucretia don’t last long and Lup finds new sources when the planets they land on allow it. She leaves them for the chronicler anonymously. She doesn’t even tell Taako. She wonders along with Lucretia at who might have left them and agrees the Captain seems the most likely.

For Taako, she already has experience in finding little pleasures to add to his life. They tease each other mercilessly but nothing brings either of them as much joy as simply working and exploring together.

It is only their science officer that Lup is unsure how to show kindness. She feels guilty that she’s partly responsible for the name that the whole crew has taken to. He is Barry Bluejeans to all of them now.

Taako notices the way she hangs in the background around Barry but he doesn’t confront her about it. She’s never kept anything like this from Taako but she’s still not sure how to explain her behavior to herself, much less her twin.

Then, one cycle seems to grind down their science expert more than any so far. As the weeks pass he works longer hours alone in the lab and in the rare times he’s not there he is quiet and withdrawn. Lup finds herself thinking of ways to alleviate some of the pressure she believes he is putting on himself but nothing seems right. Every gesture seems false and orchestrated.

It’s a simple and entirely unplanned action that finally breaks her empathetic paralysis with Barry. One evening he doesn’t come to dinner so she brings soup to the lab for him. From the moment she enters she can tell something is wrong. For only a flash she considers backing out, leaving him in privacy and pretending nothing happened. But if there had ever been a Lup who could have done that, she is gone.

So without truly choosing she walks forward, puts down the soup, and drags over a stool to sit beside him. His face is in his hands and she’s pretty sure he’s crying. His glasses are abandoned beside him on the counter. She puts her hand on his arm and rubs small, calming strokes without saying anything, just trying to reassure him that he is not alone. His IPRE robe is warm and familiar beneath her fingers. The mission has changed so much but they all still wear their uniforms.

“Sorry,” he says as soon as he recovers enough to speak. “I, uh, I don’t know, it’s just been a long…” his voice stops and he looks away. “It’s been a long _something_ , I guess,” he finishes with a shrug. He scrubs his hand across his face, and the move simultaneously makes him seem both decades younger and older.

She struggles for a joke to lighten things, to grant him some distance. She wants to repay the understanding he gave her when she needed it. It’s easier to do while he isn’t looking at her, though. In the end she just nudges the soup closer. “Eat,” she tells him. “It will help.”

He nods and replaces his glasses. She gets up to give him space. At the door, she turns and looks at him. He’s holding the spoon but not making any moves to eat.

He’s still the rumpled man in glasses that she first saw at what was one of the most miserable points in her life. She hadn’t realized how unhappy she’d been. In the past her unhappiness had always been easier to track: the result of not enough food or no warm, dry place to sleep or the constant gnawing worry that she wouldn’t be able to keep Taako safe. That night at the party had been the first time in her life she’d allowed herself to feel miserable for truly selfish reasons. Lup doesn’t begrudge herself the feeling but she’s ashamed now for how she let herself behave.

“Hey,” she says from the doorway and the man in the bluejeans looks up at her. “It won’t always feel this bad.” Lup traces her hand along the door frame as she struggles to find words to express what she wants to say. “Sometimes,” she says, then has to stop and swallow, take a breath, and start again. “Sometimes it will be hard but it won’t stay that way.” She lifts her eyes from the metal door frame and meets his gaze as she finishes, “We’ll get there eventually, you know?”

It’s a small thing but she feels better after that, like she’s cleared away something left too long.

 

 

 

More cycles pass. They chase the light and sometimes they find it. Sometimes they don’t. At the end of each year the thing they now call the Hunger finds them. They flee.

And they are learning. They come up with a way to triangulate for the light. It doesn’t always work but it’s something. And another something is that … she and Barry work really well together. It’s not the same level as cooking or doing magic with Taako but it’s similar. They understand one another.

And working with him isn’t boring at all. The enthusiasm he has for his work, the exuberance she teased him for at the press conference the night before they launched, it’s not just something she learns to appreciate, it’s contagious. It’s important work, more important than they ever guessed before they first escaped the Hunger. But the work is also something she comes to enjoy. With him.

They learn a new kind of loss. Loss when death doesn’t stick. Nearly all of them have fallen at the end of a cycle in their dash to escape the Hunger. But there are earlier deaths that leave the rest of the crew to temporarily mourn them.

The first time it happens early in a cycle, Davenport returns to the ship to tell them that Merle has died, crushed in a rockfall as they attempted to rescue the light.

The team is shocked into silence and Taako clutches Lup’s hand. There is no need to discuss it between the siblings. The others might feel it is an option to sacrifice themselves to gain the light or for some reason they deem worthy. But for the twins it’s impossible. They cannot do that to the other - even temporarily.

And without Merle the team feels entirely different. It’s not just his loss. Without his irreverence, without his strange jokes and references, the Starblaster feels immeasurably quieter, more somber. When he is returned to them by the bond engine as they traverse the space between the planar systems, it’s not just relief that dying early is still only temporary. It’s relief that a vital part of the Starblaster’s balance is restored.

 

 

 

A few cycles later they arrive in a world full of beautiful decaying cities. Everywhere there are signs of an advanced but ruined civilization. The light falls beyond their view and they simply cannot track it this year. They wander, looking for any signs of life and finally, in one vast city they find small signs of activity.

The life they’ve found isn’t exactly alive. There are robots, mechanical beings that seem to be living as people would. They go about their day, have relationships, seem like any other civilization except they are inorganic and there are less than two hundred of them.

Taako asks Lup to go with him scrapping. They spend days wandering a lower level of the city below the one where the robots have gathered. They search through abandoned magical and technological items for anything that may be of use. Barry sort of trails them, not really part of their ‘loot and pillage’ expedition as Taako had put it, but exploring near them for his own research.

While rummaging through an area, she finds a robot who has become trapped in some debris. The robot is not as communicative as those they met on the level above but Lup is able to figure out something has gotten stuck in one of their gears. The tools she has are made for disassembling rather than repairing. She promises the robot that she will find help for them if they let her take them to her friend.

The robot is smaller than most they have encountered and she is able to carry it as she searches for Barry. When she finds him, he’s set up a workspace and has various items spread out that he’s examining.

“Um, hey, Barry? Do you think you could help?” she calls. The robot is small enough to carry but still awkward to hold and as she gets closer to Barry the little robot begins to squirm nervously in her arms.

Lup pauses to whisper to the robot, “Shhh,” she tells them soothingly. “He can help. Just wait, you’ll see.”

As she approaches, Barry clears off his workspace, making plenty of room to allow her to deposit the robot for him to inspect.

“They have something caught in their gears, I think?” she tells Barry. She hops up on the tabletop beside the robot and tucks a leg beneath her. “I thought maybe you’d have some tools you could use to check them out?”

Barry just nods and bends to check over the little robot. He speaks kindly to the robot in his gravel worn voice, “Hi, little one, can I check you over?”

As soon as he touches the robot there’s a buzz and Barry jumps back as if he’s been bitten.

“Oh, gosh, okay so… that’s… something,” he says, eyes darting between the robot and his own fingers. “Some kind of short, maybe?”

Lup is worried for the bot for a moment but then she sees where she sits on the bench the little robot is right against her leg. If something had shorted she’d have felt it. Then she sees the lights flashing on the robot’s face. It wasn’t enough shock to hurt Barry, either, just startle him. The robot must be teasing him.

She tries to keep her face impassive as Barry carefully looks over the robot - now much more hesitant about touching them. This time the bot lets Barry find the access panel for the area that seems to be affected before shocking him. Barry startles back even harder this time with an undignified yelp that makes her laugh.

Barry looks up at her and back at the robot. “Oh, I see…” he says, good naturedly, and goes back to work. The spirit inhabiting the robot is clever. They wait until Barry has become absorbed in his work again before zapping him. “Oh, golly!” he hollers, sticking his fingers in his mouth. Lup bites her lip but she’s clearly as amused as the robot.

Barry looks at her and grins. “Glad you’re enjoying this,” he tells her.

“No, no,” she answers, trying to deny it but her giggling spoils the attempt. “Okay, maybe a little,” she amends.

He turns to his assortment of tools. “I can’t quite see how to…” he says, rummaging through the box beside him. “I swear I had a light in here…”

Lup conjures a brilliant orb of fire to dance from her hand. Barry looks up at her in surprise. “Or that works,” he says with another smile.

After a few more minutes and a few more shocks, Barry has the robot’s trouble sorted. The moment he closes the access hatch and secures it, the robot gives a quick series of whirs, flashes the lights they’d been laughing with, and jumps clear of the table to scurry away.

Lup watches Barry observe the robot’s escape, his face flushed and his smile wide. She thinks of him so long ago, a man in a blue suit gulping liquor he wasn’t accustomed to, a disheveled but adorable stranger who’s face lit with pleased surprise when she asked him if he wanted to leave the party.  

It’s like something shifts. The part of her that knew _down_ and _center_ and _home_ , the compass needle that always pointed the same way… for a moment it just spins. And when it rights itself, it settles to point in a slightly different direction. Nothing has changed but everything feels different.

She looks at the flame burning silently just above her hand and marvels that it hasn’t guttered out or grown to suddenly engulf them both. How can it be the same it was a moment ago, she wonders. She feels Barry looking at her and cuts off the spell, canceling the flame. Lup hops down from her perch and leans on the workbench for a moment, looking at the man in the bluejeans. “Thanks,” she tells him. “I should, uh,” she licks her lips then continues, “I should get back to Taako, I guess,” she tells him. She pushes herself forward and drops a quick kiss on his forehead. Then she rushes away like the robot he’d just helped.

 

 

 

Lup is reading a book in the common room of the Starblaster when Taako comes in and drapes himself almost bonelessly over her and the loveseat where she’s sitting. He sprawls artlessly, legs dangling over one arm of the chair, head thrown back with one palm-up hand dramatically covering him face.

Lup pulls her book out from underneath her brother and props it on his arm to continue reading.

“Lulu….” Taako whines. “That man is in my kitchen.”

“It’s not _your_ kitchen,” she responds without interest. Then her eyes narrow suspiciously and she lets the book tilt and close. “Wait. _What_ man? Please tell me Merle isn’t cooking again.”

“It’s _Barold_ ,” her brother answers. “He’s preheating my oven and he’s doing it _all wrong._ ”

“It’s not your oven, Taako,” Lup argues. “And how do you preheat an oven wrong?”

“I don’t know but I’m sure that Barold J. Bluejeans has found a way,” he insists.

Lup opens her book again and shoves her brother’s arm to prop the book at a more helpful angle. “You complain no one helps cook and then you throw a hissy when someone tries. Beyla’s Eyes, Taako, make up your mind!”

“This! Is not! A hissy!” Taako complains, shoving himself up off his sister and out of the chair. “I can’t believe you don’t care he’s in our kitchen.”

“It’s not your kitchen or my kitchen or our kitchen. It’s the Starblaster kitchen and it’s for the use of the whole crew,” Lup informs him. Then she looks up at her brother, standing with his hands on his hips staring at her. “Okay, the whole crew except Merle,” she adds with a shudder.

Taako stares at her in disbelief. “I expected you to support me in this, Lulu.” He huffs a frustrated sigh, sending long tendrils of hair flying with his breath. “Enjoy your dinner, I guess,” he taunts, and paces out of the room.

Lup tries to return to her book but she can’t stop noticing the sounds coming from the kitchen. _That’s the sound of a knife chopping something_ , she thinks. Only, it’s not the quick, practiced _chop-chop-chop_ like when she or Taako cut things. This is a slow _thwack_ at irregular intervals. _Maybe I should check on him_ , she decides.

She stops in the doorway, watching as Barry works. He hasn’t noticed her and he’s humming a low tune she doesn’t recognize. The kitchen is… well, it’s not a mess. It’s just very busy. It’s like the lab, she realizes, when Barry is working on something he is excited about. Every flat surface is in use, bowls are arranged neatly, full of ingredients in different stages of preparation, knives and spoons lay on small dishes beside the areas where they are being used.

Barry turns from the table where he picks up a creased paper that must be his recipe and moves toward the stove. As he does, he sees her watching him. “Uh, hi,” he says sheepishly. “I… uh,” he starts and as he speaks he looks around as if seeing the kitchen through her eyes. “Oh, gosh, I’m sorry. I um, I was trying to surprise you guys but maybe I should have checked first.”

“It’s fine,” she insists. _Okay, Taako doesn’t think it’s fine, but, it’s fine_ , she amends to herself. _Taako can get over himself._

“Do you need any help?” she offers.

“Oh, um,” Barry looks around at the many stages of food prep he has going on. “I don’t want to trouble you. The whole idea was for you guys to get a break.” He smiles and insists, “I can handle it.” His smile and tone are pretty convincing but his eyes are a bit too wide and his hands nervously fold and refold the paper he’s been consulting.

“I really don’t mind,” she tells him and steps forward into the kitchen. She was just going to check on him but she feels pretty sure Barry is in a little over his head. Taako certainly isn’t going to help. And god forbid Merle decide to pitch in. Her stomach hurts just thinking of the soup the dwarf had attempted. They had to throw the pot away. She hopes it gave the Hunger indigestion when it devoured that plane.

“What can I do?” she asks.

“Um,” Barry says, looking around. “Okay, like, obviously the state of the kitchen says I need help. But… I really did want to do this _for_ you guys, so…?”

Lup smiles. _He’s so flustered_ , she thinks. _It’s adorable._ “How about I just… cut something?” She points to a cutting board full of carrots and potatoes.

“Yeah, okay. I mean… if you’re sure you wouldn’t just like a night off?”

He adjusts a knob on the stove and then returns to the table. He pushes the cutting board, potatoes, and knife over to her and grabs a plate and another knife to work on the carrots.

“How would you like these cut?” she asks.

“Uh… I’m roasting them? So…”

“Are you roasting them with the carrots at the same time?”

“Should I not?” He reaches for his recipe again.

“No, no, it’s fine. But … we should cut them similar, maybe the carrots a bit smaller,” she tells him. “So they get done at the same time?”

“Yes! Perfect!” he agrees. He watches her work for a moment and then he begins to cut the carrots accordingly. His progress is much slower than hers and she has to fight down the urge to insist he let her cut all of the vegetables.

“You do that so fast,” he tells her. Every second or third cut he makes is followed by a long pause as he stops to watch her movements. “And your pieces are still so _even_.”

“Taako and I have had a lot of practice,” she answers.

They work wordlessly for several minutes, accompanied only by the rapid beat of her quick knife work and his much more hesitant rhythm. She finishes cutting the pile of potatoes and considers taking some of the still large pile of carrots from beside him but she doesn’t. It always slightly irritates her when Taako takes over a task she’s doing even if her brother doesn’t mean to make her feel less competent.

So instead Lup watches Barry work. At first, he’s frustrating to watch. He is so _slow_. But the longer she watches, the more she realizes that he’s slow because he’s making each piece perfect. She feels certain she could measure each disc of carrot and find them the exact thickness as the next. Instead of her practiced cut cut cut, with her fingers holding the vegetable tucked back and quick, efficient knife movements he adjusts the carrot each time, cuts the piece and scrapes it out of the way before moving to cut the next piece. She’d worry for his fingers but at his speed it shouldn’t be a threat.

When he finishes, he consults his recipe and moves to ready the pan. He’s humming softly again and she smiles to herself. It’s nice watching him work. It’s not the same as watching Taako work, where it’s like her brother is putting on an elaborate show even if she’s the only one there. Barry is slow and intent and careful. _He wants it to be just right_ , she realizes.

It’s fun to watch Barry because he’s so methodical that he is completely absorbed in his task. Once she lets go of the mild irritation that he’s not as accomplished or practiced as she and her brother, she can appreciate his own dedication and good intent.

He moves around the kitchen, crossing back and forth between stove and table and sink and back again, checking his notes constantly. When he comes to get the potatoes he blushes as if she’d surprised him. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes again. “I’m so focused that I’m terrible company. I’m sure you have better things to do.”

“Not really,” Lup insists. “It’s nice watching you work.” She opens her mouth to say something else then stops herself. She’s not sure what she was going to say.

Barry smiles, looks down at the recipe in his hand and folds it then jams it in his pocket. “Okay then,” he tells her as he gathers up the potatoes.

He takes them to the pan and spreads them out, mixing them with the carrots. “It’s nice having you here,” he tells her. His back is to her but the tone of his voice makes her wonder if he’s blushing.

He continues to work and she remains sitting at the table watching him. They chat about things intermittently - the world they’ve found themselves on this cycle, things they hope to accomplish this year, favorite ways to mess with the others on the crew.

He brings a spoonful of something over for her to taste. “It’s probably hot but can you try this?” He offers her the spoon with one hand below it to catch any drips. Lup leans forward and blows on the food then tastes it without taking the spoon from him.

It’s not amazing but it’s fine. It’s entirely edible, certainly, unlike that culinary monstrosity Merle had tried to force on them.

“Not bad!” she tells him, enthusiastically.

“Really?” he answers, pleased.

“Maybe add a little salt,” she suggests and then she stands and crosses to open the spice cabinet. She rummages around and pulls out a small container full of dried herbs. “Crush a bit of this in and let it simmer,” she tells him, handing him the jar.

“Thanks,” he says.

Lup watches him follow her suggestions. She winces as he pours in a heavy measure of salt. _Okay, that might have been a bit too much but… well, maybe with the potatoes later it will be fine._ She thinks of going back to her book but instead crosses back to her place at the table. She sits and stretches her legs out on the chair beside her. _I’ll just keep an eye on him a little longer_ , she thinks.

 

 

 

More years slip past, different but the same. They arrive, they search, they find or they don’t, they flee.

Nearly fifty years into their pattern, they arrive at the place that will change everything for all of them in one way or another.

In their pursuit of the light this cycle, they are asked to submit a work to the mountain, to the force inside it that the people of this plane call the Light of Creation. And so, with little option, the crew accepts. They return to their ship, each discussing what they will attempt for their submission.

Most of the crew seems excited about their ideas as they chat on their walk back to the Starblaster. Lup finds herself at a loss, however. And just as silent besides her is Barry.

All of them go to their rooms to begin to plan. In her room, though, Lup can only pace the short path of open floorspace. Then she sees the violin Barry had given her a few cycles back. He’d picked it up on Tesseralia, she believes, the year that she and Taako spent working their way through every restaurant available. He’d spent that year learning to play piano and had bought the other instrument as part of his deal. She had seen the violin on his wall and asked about it. The instrument had transfixed her somehow. Her interest had led to him offering her the violin along with a How-To book. She’d tried to learn but the book was a disaster. Perhaps this is something, though. _Maybe I can find someone here to help,_ she thinks. _Maybe even…_ She grabs the violin and heads out of her room.

She knocks on the frame of Barry’s open door. As soon as she sees his expression she knows this is the right path.

She holds up the violin. “Do you think we could find someone to teach me this thing?” she asks.

“That shouldn’t be a problem,” Barry answers. “Is that what you’re going to do for your submission?”

“Actually,” she answers with a smile. “I was hoping it’s what _we_ could do.”

Barry’s playing skills are rusty. It’s been more than a few years since he learned and all of that time since with no access to a piano. For months, Lup and he both spend every moment practicing, trying to become proficient on their very strict deadline. It’s hard work and often frustrating. They are here with students who have spent decades perfecting their skills. But as difficult as it may be, playing together feels exactly right. Soon their teachers are offering less instruction on performing and more guidance on composing.

Lup finds herself thinking of that day in the kitchen, watching Barry cook. It wasn’t his skill that made his meal enjoyable. It wasn’t luck or determination. She’s pretty sure it was the fact that he did it out of love. _That sounds silly,_ she thinks, _Taako would laugh himself sick._ But it feels true. Barry had wanted to do something kind, had wanted to show them he appreciated them, and that had made all the difference. That’s how making music with him feels. There are others here with more technical ability than either of them could hope to achieve in their abbreviated time frame. But somehow their performance begins to shine. Their determination to do well for their crew and their desire to succeed for each other also adds to their performance.

When the day for their submission arrives, Lup asks Taako to loan her something to wear. “It just feels like we should dress up, you know?”

“Sure, Lulu, help yourself,” he throws open a closet that is overflowing. She sorts through, hoping to find one thing in particular. In all their years on the ship she hasn’t seen it, he might not have brought it.

And then there it is. The dress she’d worn all those years ago at the Founders Dinner. She holds it up, “This okay, you think?”

“Oh you should deffo wear that,” he tells her. “There’s some heels in there that…”

Lup shakes her head. “No, thanks. Those heels and I don’t get along. Thanks, Taako.” She hugs her brother. “Do great out there, okay?”

“Natch,” he tells her with a wink. “These fools don’t know what’s about to hit ‘em.”

The crew drift down to the conservatory separately. They all meet in the open pavilion where Legato submissions take place. When she walks up, violin held loosely in her hand she’s rewarded with a blush from Barry.

“Hi,” he says. “Wow. Um, you… You look amazing.”

Barry isn’t wearing the same blue suit she first saw him in but he is wearing a suit instead of his IPRE robe. The suit is a deep charcoal grey that looks almost as nice as that long ago blue one had. Maybe even better.

One by one the crew step forward to perform. When Lup and Barry go up, she’s almost forgotten to be nervous about their submission. She’s almost forgotten this is even about the Light of Creation. What she’s thinking about instead is the subtle magic that happens when they play. She’s wondering if it will be as obvious to… anyone else… as it is to her. She’s more nervous than she’s ever been because all she can think about is the other person on the stage with her.

He sits at the enormous piano the conservatory has provided. She raises the violin he gave her. They play their song together. Their music fills the pavilion and carries deep into the mountain behind them.

As she plays, she thinks of a handsome, slightly rumpled man in a blue suit. She thinks of an elevator where two strangers first slipped free of the grasp of time. She thinks of a kiss that she’s spent decades pretending didn’t happen. She thinks of a cup of soup and a playful robot and a plateful of carrots cut slowly and deliberately so that each one would be perfect. She thinks of the kind and patient man who’s biggest fear is letting others down. She thinks of his excitement whenever they’ve made a discovery and his unwavering determination to help however he can. She thinks of the look on his face when she asked him to play music with her. She thinks of a thousand tiny moments she’d pretended didn’t mean exactly what they meant.

When the song ends Barry walks around the grand piano and comes to stand beside her. There’s no planning, no thought, they just reach for each other’s hands and take a huge, showy bow. They are laughing and holding hands. They stop laughing and they are still holding hands.

“Barry,” Lup says, “Would you like to get out of here?”

Barry smiles at her and squeezes her hand. “Yeah,” he says, his voice rough. “Yeah, I would.”

She drops his hand for just a moment, runs and places their sheet music on the pedestal, then comes back and grabs his hand again. They leave the pavilion, head up the valley to the conservatory. And they don’t let each other go.

 

 

 

“I suppose it was inevitable,” Taako says from his position sprawled across Lup’s bed. “About time you realized it,” he adds.

Lup doesn’t rise to his bait. She does consider his word and decides she likes it very much. _Inevitable_ , she thinks. _That’s exactly the word._

“You could help, you know,” she tells him, throwing a pair of leggings at him.

“Lulu, you’re moving down the hall… who cares where your stuff is?”

“You do,” she tells him. “Because you know you’re gonna turn this into your closet.

“You should have lead with that!” he tells her, sitting up. He pulls out his wand and aims it, squints a little, and casts a spell. Around the room, items begin flowing into boxes.

Lup ducks beneath a flying book and takes a seat on the floor beside her bed, leaning her head on Taako’s knee.

“It’s okay, though, right?” she asks.

“Oh my gods, Lup, of course!” he tells her. “ _I_ certainly don’t want him!”

She laughs and playfully slaps his leg. “Seriously, though?”

“Lup,” he asks, “Are you happy?”

“Very,” she answers.

“Then it’s great,” he tells her. “I’d threaten him but it’s not like you couldn’t beat his ass just fine on your own.” Taako snickers and adds, “Besides, he probably likes that.”

Lup smacks his leg again. “It feels a little unfair,” she tells him. “I get my twin and a… a boyfriend… oh god that word feels weird, Taako, I have a _boyfriend_ ,” she sighs. “But really, how did I get so lucky?”

“Lup, every year we have to outrun the big black vore storm. I’m not sure ‘lucky’ is the right word for any of us.”

“Isn’t it though?” she counters, twisting around to look at her brother. “I don’t mean this is easy. We’re all working really hard and it’s fucking _tough_ but there’s a lot of good, too.”

“I guess,” Taako agrees. He cancels his spell and tosses the leggings Lup had thrown at him toward the closest box. “Okay, your man can carry these down the hall. Taako is _done._ ”

“Nah,” Lup tells him, “I’ll get them. I’m surprising him. He and Magnus took Lucretia to go check out that crater we saw yesterday. Since we can’t find the Light again this year they figured they’d try to document some things.” She pauses, “I hope he’s okay with this. Maybe I should wait and talk to him first.”

“Lulu, you could fill that boy’s room with lava and wasps and he’d just grin that goofy smile and say ‘thank you,’” Taako points out.

“I can’t wait to tease you about some guy’s goofy smile,” Lup says, her mouth curving into a smile that is decidedly goofy-adjacent.

“‘Cha’boy’s not signing up for that anytime soon. Who ya got in mind? Merle? _Fisher?_ We have to seriously open up the possibilities before that can happen. _If ever,_ ” he says, making a face. “But I’m glad you’re happy.”

“I really am,” she answers.

 

 

 

A handful of cycles pass before it happens. Over the years they’ve all died at one point or another. Usually it’s at the end of a cycle, in those last frantic hours after the Hunger arrives but before they are able to escape the bounds of whatever planar system they’ve lived in for the year.

Lup is careful to divide her time. She doesn’t want to spend too much or too little time with Barry. It’s hard to avoid, though. Even after a few years together it still feels new after the decades it took to get them here.

On this world there are few settlements and each city is surrounded by huge walls dividing them from the aggressive plant growth surrounding them. Huge swaths of uninterrupted vegetation dominate the landscape. The crew rescues the light in short order and plans to spend the rest of the year on other projects.

A few weeks after capturing the light they split up - Magnus, Barry, and Davenport want to gather plant and soil samples from areas near where the light landed. The rest are dropped off to spend the day in a town. Taako is excited about restocking the kitchen after a few lean cycles and Lup is looking forward to a day spent wandering and shopping with her twin.

The town group depart the ship and Lup hangs behind for a moment. She kisses Barry and waves to Magnus and Davenport. “You boys be careful out there,” she instructs. Magnus smiles at her and nods.

“See you for dinner!” Barry calls as the Starblaster departs.

Lup, Taako, Merle, and Lucretia are walking in the shopping district, having just enjoyed a relaxing lunch when their stones of far speech simultaneously crackle to life. Instantly Lup knows something is very, very wrong. Barry’s voice is strained and the gravelly voice she knows so well is even rougher than normal. Worse, his voice grows weaker by the word. He’s begging Magnus to stay back.

Lup is frozen, her stone clutched tightly in her hand. Barry is broadcasting to all of them, the channels all held open so no one can respond. Lup is forced to listen, mentally screaming, _Why did you split up? Magnus, find him! Bring him back!_

“Lup,” Barry says, “I love you something fierce. I’m sorry.” When he continues his voice is barely audible over the noises of people around them. “See you soon, babe.”

Taako is holding her, his arms wrapped around her shoulders but she’s still frozen. She keeps trying to push his arm out of the way so she can see the stone. She needs to see the light come on again. Barry can’t be…

When the light does come on her heart flips. In the instant before she hears the speaker she’s certain it was a mistake. But it’s Davenport’s voice being broadcast, their Captain’s voice ordering them all to stay put for pick up.

Taako is stroking her hair, murmuring in her ear but she can’t understand. _This isn’t right. They were collecting plant samples, for fuck’s sake. What happened?_

Merle gently pries the stone out of her hand and grasps her fingers. It’s this softness from their cleric that breaks through the ice that seems to hold her, that verifies this has happened. She sinks to her knees on the street, her brother and Merle right beside her. Lucretia uses her own stone to confirm Davenport’s order. Beside her Taako reminds her again and again, “He’ll be back, Lulu. You’ll have him back soon.”

Days later, on the ship, they try to explain to her what happened. She’d been too shocked to follow the conversation over the stones but the explanation makes as little sense to her as those first moments.

“Boil bugs?” Lup asks. Her emotions are a roller coaster but at the moment she’s cruising through a solid patch of numb. “How can he have been… How did bugs k-… how did _bugs_ do this?”

Magnus tries to explain but he’s too emotional to speak. Davenport gives Lucretia a look and the chronicler persuades Magnus to accompany her out of the room.

Once they are gone the Captain explains, “He recognized them or we wouldn’t have known. We searched some books and found very little. There just aren’t… a lot of first hand accounts. We don’t know how they differ on this plane but they’re pretty nasty creatures. Fast swarming - that’s how they get the name, they are said to ‘boil up out of the ground’ - and…” Davenport looks uncomfortable but continues, “…highly carnivorous.”

“What fucking chance do we have against the Hunger if we can be taken out by fucking _bugs_?” Taako asks.

Lup can’t listen to the conversation anymore. She leaves. She passes the kitchen where Lucretia is murmuring to Magnus. Lup concentrates hard to not hear what they are saying. She goes back to her room - _their_ room - but it’s no easier to take than the conversations she walked away from. She backs out of the room to find another refuge.

As the days scrape by, Lup spends much of her time pacing the halls of the Starblaster. Every room seems too much to deal with. She doesn’t stay anywhere long before she’s walking away again.

A part of Lup understands this is only temporary. Intellectually she knows that at the end of this cycle they will leave and there will be that whole threads of light bullshit and Barry will be here again. She knows this. She tells herself this again and again. Taako reminds her. Lucretia reminds her. Merle reminds her. Magnus hugs her which reminds her. Davenport nods at her which reminds her.

Fucking lot of good it does in the meantime. How does knowing that help when she wakes up reaching for him? How does knowing that help when she thoughtlessly pours him a cup of coffee as she gets her own? How does it help when her heart feels like a traitor for pumping blood to a body that doesn’t get to touch him?

She forces herself to get up, to walk, to talk, to hold some semblance of life because she can’t push this kind of hurt onto Taako. He does his best to help. He makes food for her. He sits with her. He tries to talk her into sleeping in his room sharing blankets the way they did for most of their lives or at least sleeping in her old room but she can’t. She doesn’t know how to explain to him that would be like abandoning Barry again. She took almost fifty years to admit how she felt to herself much less him. She can’t waste any more time just because he’s dead. _Temporarily dead_ , she mentally amends.

She also can’t explain why Taako’s presence isn’t the comfort it normally is. She can’t tell him that if it weren’t for him she could take a dive off the Starblaster and wake up at the start of the next cycle. That’s a heartless and selfish thing to even think. And Taako is her heart. Taako has always been the reason she wasn’t selfish. But she resents that this option isn’t an option. It’s just a little resentment, just enough to spoil his company. But it’s also because it’s harder to pretend in front of him. She _can’t_ pretend in front of him. And if she stops pretending…

It’s Magnus that is the closest to giving her actual comfort. He blames himself for what happened but after one awkward conversation full of apologies and self flagellation, he doesn’t mention it again. He makes himself a warm and silent presence.

Magnus keeps her company in the lab when she tries to continue Barry’s experiments. Other times they work out together, punching or running or lifting weights or whatever he can come up with until they’re both too exhausted to think anymore. He lets her be angry or violent or defeated or silent. He is the only one that she doesn’t feel the weight of his eyes constantly measuring her, assessing her strength and her sanity.

When the rest of the crew give her these looks she wants to scream. _We’ve all lost each other before_ , she rails at them in her head. _I know how to do this._

It’s not true though. She and Taako have never had to survive the loss of the other. And though this crew is all her family there are bonds and then there are _bonds._ Some of these bonds don’t stitch them together and drive engines. These bonds are sewn too deeply. These bonds bleed when they are severed. Even temporarily.

And she is alone. She knows how to hide from the others even on something as small as the Starblaster. She stays out of sight because it’s easier than their compassion. She stays out of sight because she can’t stand to be seen when the blackest thoughts and regrets fill her head: the times when the only thing looping through her mind is _this is why I pretended my feelings weren’t what they were, this is why I should have kept doing that._ She stays out of sight because it’s easier than having them ask questions about what she is reading.

Because she has an idea.

Somehow the minutes pass into hours and then days and then weeks until enough of them add up to months and then at last, at fucking long last, the Hunger arrives and she is _relieved_. They have the light so she doesn’t feel _as_ guilty about this thought. They’ve warned these people. This plane will survive.

She waits on the deck. Davenport steers the ship up and when the barrier between this plane begins to waver he darts the Starblaster though. She is crying, tears of relief and fear mixed together. She’s relieved to have made it to the end of the year. She’s terrified this will be the time it doesn’t work the same way. She faces forward, afraid to turn her head, terrified that this time the place Barry always stands when they are reset to their original positions will remain empty.

Strings of light stretch out from each of them, winding away as far as she can see. In another infinite moment the luminous threads will begin to recreate their original states. She won’t have to hide her tears because she wasn’t crying that day they first left. She’d been standing with Taako, hands clutched tight together after seeing their home planet destroyed but both of them were dry eyed.

She squeezes her eyes shut and sends up a prayer to all the deities she’s made up over the years. Mylana, Corvella, Beyla, Grysok and every other name she has imagined and forgotten. She throws in Merle’s Pan and then Istus and Ogma and every _real_ deity she can think of. And then, as she and Taako are reinstated to their recorded positions and she feels his fingers in hers, she adds the strongest prayer she has, “Taako,” she whispers, “please let him be there.”

Taako tightens his grip on her hand and she senses him turning. Her breath catches, freezes in her chest.

“It’s okay, Lulu,” Taako tells her softly.

Lup opens her eyes and turns.

He’s there. Barry is there. She’s in his arms before she realizes she’s moved. They fall to the floor of the Starblaster and she’s alternating between kissing him and telling him off. “You _asshole_ ,” she tells him, before kissing him again, “I told you to be careful,” she manages before following with another kiss. “Don’t you ever fucking listen?”

“I’m sorry,” he whispers in her ear, arms wound around her. “I’m sorry I kept you waiting.”

“Don’t make it a habit, babe,” she demands.

She stands and helps him up to let the rest of the crew greet him. Magnus hugs him then holds him at arms length to check him over.

“We just regenerated, Magnus, he’s exactly the same as the day we left,” Lucretia points out.

“I know,” Magnus says, “But I still want to check.” After a moment he claps Barry on the back. “Good to have you back, buddy,” he tells him.

Barry wraps an arm around Lup. She leans her head down to rest against his. _Fuck, I missed his smell_ , she realizes. His shirts and pillows have been pale placeholders. She couldn’t explain what it is but it’s just… it’s _him_. It’s science and enthusiasm and denim and his hand at her waist and piano music and his rough voice and patience and… love. It’s Barry, standing beside her, where he belongs.

**Author's Note:**

> This also has a much longer companion piece that is Barry's POV but for the whole Balance arc. (Also: my all TAZ tumblr is youhearstatic.)


End file.
